Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
You Might Also Like
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Beware of fowl play.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY