poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
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Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
men, we mow at sunrise.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares