Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
You Might Also Like
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’