me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
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Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Weirdos gonna weird.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.