You Might Also Like
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.