And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
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British Friend: Bloody hell its 39Ā°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
of course iām gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? whatās the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? thatās impractical, i would look like a fool
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
The car in front of me didnāt go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed āthank you.ā
Okay, it wasnāt āthankāyou, but I pretended it was.
Most of you didnāt even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I shouldāve known then weād end up where we are.
monster under my bed: Iām gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and Iāll never sleep again
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and Iām about to scale Everest, later
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [š½ļø: Rebecca Gelernter]
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
If you love someone donāt do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
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ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how āTree Trunkā is doing