Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
You Might Also Like
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands