why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
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Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Love this one 😂🧟
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
he’s doing your taxes
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.