Fluff me with a fork baby
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Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
😍😂🥰😂😍
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
then why did i get this email
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.