You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
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I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
*seductively corrects your posture*
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.