My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
You Might Also Like
Can. I. Help. You.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless