karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
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Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.