Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
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A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything