Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
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I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.