The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
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Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun