Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
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me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.