Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
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I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Wednesday
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
That’s enough internet for the day
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth