“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
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Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Oops I deleted….
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks