I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
hackers play passwordle
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee