I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
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*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.