my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
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In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.