This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
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my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.