everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
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It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook