A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
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ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I would move hell over six inches for you
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
the dark web is just a goth google.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one