windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
You Might Also Like
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Why am I like this?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes