If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.