Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
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Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.