I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
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What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance