Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
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My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
got so much cardio in today
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.