subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
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Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????