It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
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Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom