The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
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I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Would you wear it?
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*