😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Generation gap…
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My blood type is b hungry.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!