I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
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[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Awesome parenting 😂
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.