I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
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“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo