So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
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I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.