My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
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Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
They’re called werewolves.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon