Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
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*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.