I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
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INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.