She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
We cut our bangs at dawn.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?