Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
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OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
58.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.