I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
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The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading