Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
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Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY