“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
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Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
i choose….tongue
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Good morning
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.