My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
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“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
The pen is writier than the sword.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Me trying to look natural in photos
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.