People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
we all know this pain all too well
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Extremely relatable.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Florida be like…
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?