If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I put the mess in domestic.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Does beer think about me too?
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.