I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
You Might Also Like
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God