There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
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My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
This is a bad sign
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog: