me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
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Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
happy valentine’s day to me
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
one of
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.